Hi T,

You talked today about how maybe we should end if it keeps being this painful for me. It was the last thing I wanted to think about, despite everything. You've been so important in my life. The only person I've ever had. Today was really painful again. Quite a few things hurt me badly again. I want to send a text, but I won't risk it in the evening, so it won't be tonight. Tomorrow you're at a different workplace, so just in case, I won't risk it then. On Thursday I'm going to text you. I'm going to ask you how we have the best ending from here. How can I try to cope with something like this? How can I be okay afterwards, and what really happens at the end? I'm going to ask how we honor the relationship and the good times in one final session. I don't think we can have a good final session from here. Letting go is so much more painful than returning.

You let me know today that you didn't have time to say more than "that is fine and thanks" before our 18 day break after I texted the heartfelt goodbye that I didn't have time for at the end of that final session. It's rough knowing you don't regret how blunt it was, even though something little would have helped me cope with the break, particularly after the huge ruptures and after I was rushed out the door right at the end, when I just needed to say goodbye. It was also so not okay today when you told me if I wouldn't record our sessions you were going to record them all for me.

I think, despite everything, this is the pattern. I am not as important to those people who are so important to me. I do not matter, I fade away, like I was never there. Please, please can you hug me just once to say goodbye? It was almost exactly one year ago the last time I hugged another person, in my final session with T2. The first person who has known me and still been willing to do that. Could you lie to me and tell me that I do matter? I think because of all the difficulties it will be such a relief for you to have a break (maybe a forever break) from me, so you would never consider seeing me in the future. Could you lie to me and tell me that you would see me again if I wanted? Can you try to be really, really, really kind to me. Could you say some nice things? Just once more, and then you will never have to again. It's quite sad that I let you read my writing today which stated clearly that I loved you. I didn't particularly think I could cope with a response, so it was probably just as well you didn't say anything about it. I don't think I've ever said that to even a parent before though (and not to anyone else). It's so sad that it ends like this.

Love,

me.