I guess this is a topic that can set people off. Sorry to do that.

I just needed a place to try and figure out what is right and what is wrong.
I've been this way since a young child.... I have learned to get by.
but now I think... how much of that learning is the wrong way to be?

I am like a stone. I don't cry even when I am dying inside.
I don't show happiness... even when I am excited... at least not very much.

no one can tell how I am feeling cuz I have learned to be this way.
No one will ever know just how horrible it is for me by looking or being around me. they never will either, unless I tell them.

but I do a good job. doubt they would believe me. but that has always been the point, right? getting by like the normal people? I do an excellent job at it.

but on here I get to be me. and the real me does cry and shows hurt. just when I am alone though.

but things are reeally bad for me. like, really bad and that has been my life, medicated and not.

all the medications do for me is help me see it more clearly exactly how wrong I am. they do let me step outside of it but they will never take it away.

I am confused cuz I do have a plan for sui. and I always have. I learned from my first attempt when I was fourteen.

but it's just a plan and only today I have questioned the validity of always having one.

I am questioning a lot of things....
like my tendancy to cut....... it doesn't ever seem like a big deal... but instead it's always just been something that I do when i can keep it to myself.

having a wife keeps it under control so she does not notice, but without that limitation I would happily go farther.

my self hate just fuels the self harm. I am very constructive when it comes to abusing myself.

but that has never been a big deal... and now i'm questioning it.