Hello!

I do not know exactly does my "state of mind" need any more attention or is everything actually normal. Let me describe you my situation a bit.

For some years (like 4-5) I have had quite severe mood changes. They are very rapid and usually one mood lasts for a day max. If I am happy, I consider myself "normal" - i organise things, I am full of hope, I believe in myself and everything seems really good. Then, VERY suddenly (within minutes) my mood changes. It is usually triggered by a random thing - someone said something which i misunderstood, I rememembered something bad, etc. When this "depressive mood" triggers, all I feel is emptiness and hopelessness. I cry alot then and very often think about suicide, I distance myself from everything and everyone, I just am alone then. I have gathered quite alot information how to commit a suicide, what ways to prefer, where, when, etc. During that depressive time, I also hate everyone around me. Even the ones I love - and I find myself saying that I hate them. The thing which concerns me, is that I actually believe in it when I feel bad - I honestly do feel that I hate them. I have even wished they would die which is horrible. I just feel so much anger inside me suddenly and anything anyone else does or says upsets me even more. These bad moods don't last too long, but my bad mood "transfering" into good mood takes alot more time than the opposite - usually up to some hours.

I just feel that these mood changes are very destructive but I am absolutely helpless when it comes to stopping them - both moods are overwhelming and I can't see things in an objective way. They "eat" me completely. If possible, I would ofcourse stay in the happy state of mind.

Some facts about me:
*I am 25 year old female
*I was sexually abused when I was very little (I remember it very well)
*I don't have any close friends, because during my "bad" moods, I lose all motivation to keep in contact with people
*I am in a long-distant relationship but I know I can't trust anyone else but me and I do not trust my partner, although he hasn't done anything wrong
*I have never been close to my family. My parents brought me up and they never punished me, I had everything I needed/wanted. But I never (!) got any hugs or caring words.
*Very recently I had a very traumatic event, and only 2 persons know about it. I am afraid that this event might trigger even more rapid and severe mood changes.

I've just come to realise that I can't find my place in this life and it's so annoying. It stops me living normally. I can't even find the right words to describe how I feel, but I know I'm not happy.

Is it normal or should I seek some help?