I have gauged myself. If 0 was no self destructive behavior and 10 was completely suicidal.... I am constantly between and five and six.

not enough to actually do anything about, but always there. I ignore it. work around it. rationalize and fantasize alot.... but those are just work arounds. it's always there if I look and I have learned not to look too much.

honestly, i do look on purpose when I am feeling self destructive, and it just fuels the fire.