(((Big Mama))),

I am glad that you are meeting with your T and you are going to bring up these issues. Try to remember though that often people with "controlling problems" don't really "consciously" realize "why" they seem to "need to be that way to feel comfortable somehow".

Some of the things that you have shared here about your husband's past have showed, me at least, that he has a lot of inner "anger and confusion". I don't think it is always fair to "blame someone" because they adapted to some of the "expectations" they were given growing up. From what I remember, he was really pushed to have a lot of "responsibilities" growing up so it is doubtful that he had a "happy and healthy and normal childhood".

I just hope that he doesn't get into a situation where he gets bombarded with blame somehow. As you said, he has been trying, but it is clear that he is still confused about "why" he is challenging your sense of "well being".

Please try to keep in the back of your mind Big Mama, how you would address a rescue horse that has bad habits because of abuse and poor training. You can't just get on it and "beat" it right? You know it takes time and care to correct abuse, well, it is a bit harder for human beings because we are so much more intelligent.

Men often struggle when it comes in "trusting" therapists to begin with, as is your husband's reaction. They often "think" that they know themselves best and their ways of "handling things" seems to work for them. So far he has been "trying" because he has been given "instructions" and he thinks it is about "fixing you". This is evident as "he tries to lower his voice, but still is critical and controlling, but just in a lower tone.

You have to be careful with PTSD, because this disorder can push the "anger and negetives or whatever seems like abuse forward". So it is easy to begin to look at someone that triggers you as "evil, bad, abuser, and purposly toxic".

Think about how you would feel if you were constantly criticized for your "history and how you adapted" or that you have PTSD now. You would only "get worse" and may even "give up" right? What keeps you going BM is that you are being given recognition for your "gains" and how you are allowing yourself to grow as a person and join into reaching out and interacting more.

The only way your husband is truely going to "respond" and "begin to accept and trust" is if he also gets "some praise too". I see that with my own husband, if I get on him about how "his habits and faulty manerisms" constantly trigger me, he gets quiet and depressed and even "short tempered". The reason for this is because he doesn't really know "how to fix" "his" own bad patterns. But, when I point out the things I appreciate about him, things that I think are good about him, even give him some hugs, he is much more responsive and willing.

Now, I am "not" telling you that you have to "give in" or "keep allowing him to be controling" either. And I tend to struggle with that myself, because I "have" given in and "accomodated" the "faults of others out of "sympathy", and that is part of my "victim mentality" too. So I know it isn't easy BM. Ugh, especially with the PTSD creeping around. I am saying however to be as mindful as you can and realize that he has issues that "he has to understand gradually" and there has to be "positive" that he can hang onto while he is being made aware of "whatever patterns he has that are counter productive".

Open Eyes