OE you are absolutely right. Sometimes I don't think he does the things he does on purpose. The T has told me to keep in mind when his life seems out of control w/ work, church, finances, kids, busy schedules his mind says to find control where he can and control what he can because uncertainty makes him fill like he is spiraling out of control or himslef.

He did grow up as a 12 yr old raising his twin brothers who were 8. His mom was in and out of mental facilities and his dad was on a drunk and ward to tell where he was and what would happen when he showed up. He left my H enourmous amounts of money to take care of things while he was on a drunken spree. My H paid the bills as they came in, arranged transportation to get groceries. He kept everything looking as normal as possible so he and his little brothers would not end up in the foster system or seperated. HE did an execellent job. This went on for another 6 years until his brothers moved in w/ us 2 weeks after we got married. When his mom was around she had other health issues so he had to watch his brothers, mow the lawn, work the garden, and get up enough fire wood to stay warm all winter. At 12 he no longer got to be a kid. He was a 12 yr old adult. His daddy tought him that control is everything.

That's part of why I stay. It sounds easy to say just walk away. But it is not all his fault, he is trying, he wants to get things right, and we are in T to make things work. This is just another bump in the road, a really big bump.

He is insecure and can't trust himself. He knows the stakes are high, I'm not happy and I could easily run.If he can't trust himself to do the right things to make me feel wanted enough to stay hten how can he trust me to be faithful and want to stay. He knows what he has done to me, he realizes I have to live w/ what he has done to me and that could easily push me away.

Being that I don't speak his love language it makes it even tougher. I am a doer and a giver, I like to recieve words of affirmation. He is a feeler and a giver of touch. and likes to recieve physical touch. The fact that we don't have sex much I'm sure says something about my love for him. It does. Fear, intimidation, parent child relationship, but it is not something I'm comfortable participating in. I do try to give it as a reward, nothing says I love you like sex they say. I try to ease his insecutities w/ it. It would suit me fine if we never did it again. I tell my H each time I sleep w/ you I an telling you I am willing to spend another 18 years w/ you. If I didn't think I could/would stay then I would not put myself in a position to bear another child and spend antoher 18 years w/ you. I hope that makes since.

I stay because I see potential. I can't blame him fully for the things he does. Just like he can't blame me fully for who I am and what life's situations have made me into. So for right now I see what the future might hold, and that might is enough so I just might stay. If he didn't care and was not interested in changing it would be a different story. I guess I'll just have to struggle threw this and the next 50 issues that come along. One day we'll look back and say "I remember back in 2000 what ever, what was the big deal w/ us back then, I can't even remember". That's the day I'm hoping to see.