I like the way you are looking at the "big picture" here Big Mama. I have seen you vent here at PC, and that is good for you, but sometimes what can happen is you may get a bunch of replys that can "fuel" your anger and convince you there is more "toxic and abuse" then what is really there.

I understand how you feel about being intimate and that all you feel is the control and it makes you feel very uncomfortable. I have the same problem myself tbh, so I can relate to how challenging that is in so many ways. For me, I did work around that for a while and it became just another form of "closeness" that I shared with my H. Unfortunately he broke that trust, he had cheated on me while he was actively drinking and I never got back that sense of trust, at least not yet.

I am glad that you have taken time to understand your husband, it sounds like he has shared alot about himself with you, that is a big deal to a man BM. And if you think about how "hard" it is for you to be "intimate" well, honestly, there are things you want of him that are "triggery" and just as hard for him too. It can be such a challenge when "two victims of abuse" come together and try to have "balance" and feel they can trust in each other.

I honestly think BM that your husband loves you, but he is also "worried" he might lose you and so he, as you mentioned, gets into "control mode". After all if you think about it, that is what he had to do growing up to keep his family "intact" somehow.
Ofcourse he "likes" the touching part, I am sure he craved that so much growing up, and most likely never got it. I am sure there is a 12 year old little boy very present in him that really needed comfort and it was never there for him and so, when you hold back, it most likely means something to him that reminds him of somehow not being able to have that when he was so young. Wow, it is actually really sad BM.

Open Eyes