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S4, and Roadie,
A gentleman wrote to me, about a month ago seeking advice about BPD and how he could help his girlfriend, and himself. My response included this description, of what I believe, we with BPD, go through during each of our 'rage-events.' It is almost impossible for the parent, or partner of someone with BPD , to conceive of the enormity of the pain we experience. Neither of you, may have reason to read this, but S4, if you will allow me to hijack your thread, I do believe, that there may be some insight for those without our condition, to grasp onto, and perhaps seek shelter within, before they are again taken through the storm of BPD's fury.
If you please.
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BPD and the 'Rage-Cycle'
What cycling is, for the sufferer I can only explain from my center, in the primitive words of my childhood. Your girlfriends description may sound very different, as she will insert her own words, that she has used to interpret the experience based upon the age she developed the disorder. I did recently reply to a fifteen year old girl, that had just been diagnosed, and wanted to know what was happening and what may happen, and attempted to alter my description, so perhaps I will use that for you now.
There is no rhyme, time, or reason as to why most cycles begin. Something happens, although it does not even necessarily relate to the conversation being had at the time, or the event being experienced, or it may be a direct result to one of these things. My point is, your girlfriend will blame and believe the anger she is experiencing has been caused by an external source, mainly you, if you are the one with her, but regardless, ultimately you, or any other close to her will receive the full blow of her uncontrollable furry.
I do mean uncontrollable, until she has been taught, exactly as you would handle a toddler throwing a tantrum, an unconscious teaching, to not behave in this manner toward you. Learning to treat you differently will not carry over to anyone else. Each individual that wishes to not receive the wrath of a BPD rage-fest will have to do this exact thing with her, or continue to be abused by her during this blind-mood she is tormented by.
The cycle is triggered somehow and you will recognize much of my description, although I will add what you can not see, and more than likely, what she can not say. Everything is fine, and in an instant it is as if a band snaps, and what was absolutely benign has turned into a complete and massive malignant takeover of the afflicted’s body, mind, expressions, voice, all parts of a person, tuning them into one who’s being has been invaded by a nefarious source consuming all aspects of the person that you know and love.
The best way that I know to describe a cycle, and even this does not explain well, the true torture that your girlfriend goes through internally each cyclical event, is that of a person standing exposed at the edge of a massive hurricane. One second she can stand firmly and confidently on the ground and within an instant she finds herself ripped from reality and thrown about internally so violently, as to lose all ability to form rational thought, control of physical actions, including the self-control of what comes from her mouth in filthy , hateful dialogue, and the absolute, concrete inability to stop, what deep inside her she knows is wrong, the spewing and spitting of acidic, vile hate focused entirely upon you.
This is happening, and this is what you are witnessing, but what you do not see and she can not bring forward in anyway at this part of the ‘cycle’ is that at the very same time that this is going on, there is another, the real ‘self’ of her bearing witness to this 'being' that has taken over her body, with an even greater horror at what she has become, than you are receiving from an external source. This horror, and self-hatred for what she, the good and kind, sane part of herself, experiences, is what will cause all of the self-injury, eating disorders, suicidal-ideation or true intent and constant internal diatribe against herself, repeating in endless succession that she is flawed, she is bad, she should experience pain, she is unlovable.... These self-flagellations are endless and completely justified in her mind, even though the truth is that she has an actual mental Tourette’s syndrome, that is as real, and as out of her ability to control, as if she were to suffer from Parkinson’s, MS, or even that of a quadriplegic.
BPD is not called the “I hate you, Don’t leave me!” disorder for reason, not. While your girlfriend is in full rage, there is inside of her that girl I spoke of screaming, internally with the same intensity, “I need help! I can’t stop! Please love me! don’t leave me!” It is the most helpless feeling imaginable, like watching a school bus stall on train tracks moments before the train reaches the intersection. She must watch, and experience this kind of emotion over and over in her life, and even when it is not actually happening at the moment, she still suffers the traumatic stress of the past events. In fact, The new DSM that is published every ten years is set to be released in March or May, I can’t remember which, of 2013. The BPD condition and name is are being changed to a subset or variation of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
As a side note to you, although you may be aware of this fact, a majority of people with the disorder have had some form of childhood abuse, most commonly sexual in nature, but physical, emotional, or childhood neglect are all reported, as well. The likelihood that she has this in her background is almost certain, and just something for you to be aware of, in the event that you are not. This is where many of the “triggers” that begin the rage-cycle stem from, which is why they can seemingly come out of nowhere, as a certain smell, or way in which the sunlight falls into a window, can remind an abuse victim of an assault, and how would this ever be prevented or understood?
After the most severe rage has spent itself and finished cycling through, the person with BPD then enters a denial stage, in which they just want the entire event to be forgotten and forgiven and as quickly as possible, return back to normal, and request from all around, that they too, as quickly adjust themselves back to where they were emotionally, before the event occurred. I am sure that you are all to aware of this demand placed upon you, and when it is, you are left with your mouth hanging incredulously and the acronym “W.T.F.” blazing in your mind.
Your girlfriend is not unaware of the pain she has inflicted, but instead is so completely tormented by her inability to have contained it, thus causing such emotional destruction to you and herself and your relationship, and having just physically experienced such an enormous amount of stress and fear, that can absolutely be measured medically, that she can not begin, to process, explain, or apologize for her actions, and after so many of these exact cycles have happened, how does one offer another seemingly insincere apology? She is left ultimately with just another thing to torment herself with causing even greater emotional scarring.
After the “cant we just forget the whole thing?” part of the cycle has run its course she will now enter the part of the cycle where the hurricane’s winds have subsided to almost a breeze, and now the depression and neediness will begin. This is the time in which she will apologize and look for assurances from you that she is still loved and that you are not going to leave her. Very often this is the longest part of the cycle, not stopping until from absolute exhaustion, she falls asleep, or there is a major distraction as a work school or social commitment, to break the bond of approval seeking.
The last phase of the cycle, I consider to be that of the eye of the hurricane. The eye may be a small offering- a day or two reprieve betweens rage-cycles or it may be large granting a week or more of peace before the next event, but the reason that I compare this section to a hurricane is that the one certainty, at least at this point, for your girlfriend is that at some point the back half of the hurricane’s wall will come and she, and any loved one near her, will be swept up tossed and battered into its unmerciful raging winds again.
Believe in, or not, my entire response was at least twice this long, and covered a wider course into BPD than simply the 'rage-cycle', but as a person, that has BPD documented since birth, it was a living hell, before an understanding was adopted by certain family members, that what I was doing was out of my control, and not the spoiled tantrum of an over coddled child.
-Fleeing Bellocq
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