Hi...I cried buckets of tears with T yesterday, and I think we're done. It feels a lot different this time. I have learned to roll with what happens, so I suppose this might not be "the end", but it really feels like it is. I cried, T teared up. It was sad. It was bittersweet. I told T that I hope when we look back, we both remember all of the good things, and not the big pile of sad we were sitting in, and he said we would. I also told him I feel like I need to make a clean break, and he told me I didn't have to decide right then about that...but at least for a while, a LONG while, I feel like that's how it will have to be, for my own Self.

I cried some more this morning as I drove my dog to chemo, but it's okay. It's just sadness. The times I thought about quitting therapy before, I always had this feeling that I wasn't *sure* I was done, but that I thought I was. This feels different. And it's kind of heartbreaking - probably like losing a parent who really, really loved you. T and I both worked SO hard to overcome all of the mistakes and craziness of last year, and I just suddenly really understood on Friday that no matter how hard we try, some of that damage will always be there. I think before, when I left, I thought "well, maybe we didn't try everything, maybe I wasn't honest enough, maybe he wasn't hearing me"...but i know this time that I WAS honest enough and he DID hear me and that we were both so so so committed to working through it and there was just part of it that was always going to be there.

I'm sad, he's sad. It was a sad situation. But this morning I was imagining another nightsky coming in there, a nightsky who needs to learn to be strong and to be kind to herself, and I was imagining T being able to use the things he learned from working with me to help her and it made me feel a little better. Like I've stepped out into the world and like I left a little space for someone else who needs help.

He always leaves me a message after sessions and the message he left me this morning made the tears start again. I could hear his tears in the message. It was so sweet and the things he said were so meaningful. But (I know I keep saying this, maybe I'm trying to convince myself!) being sad is okay. It's probably even RIGHT, actually.

So That's where I am. Right here. Super grateful for my friends and my husband and PC and all of the other people in my life that make me realize that no matter what, I won't be alone.

Today has been weird. I made something for my husband for his birthday tomorrow, and I wished I could show it to T, but I can't. It will take a while to get used to it. He really was a parent-figure to me, and now I'm not sure who to go to to say "look what I did!". But I showed my boys, and texted a picture to my friends, and it's enough. It's just an adjustment.

I loved T so much. Well, I LOVE him so much. And I'm grateful for everything I learned from him, even though last year was so hard. This was the right thing for me, and I think in some ways, he's sadder than I am. During session, he was sitting with me on the couch and I was crying and reading something to him that I wrote and afterward, he said "I want to reach out for your hand, but I think it's more for me than for you". So I reached out for HIS hand.

I do feel super loved by T. I'm grateful for that too.

I think it's going to be okay. We loved each other enough to really, really try. That's all we could do.