So, I start a new job tomorrow, in a new town. It is the same job and responsibilities I had at the job I had to leave at home when I got sick. I know how to do it. I know I CAN do it. I have absolute confidence in my skills. So why am I desperately looking around for my Xanax bottle?

I had surgery a couple of weeks before I got sick last year. Between that and all the other crap I've been through, I haven't worked full-time since mid-November 2005. That's going on 11 months. I got a clean bill of health in June, but they sent me home with that and my hospital records, which, idiot that I am, I read, and so although supposedly I'm fine, I don't really trust my body yet not to go nuts on me again. My stamina's improved, but I don't know if I can do 8 hours a day on top of a 90-minute commute one way.

My insurance doesn't kick in till the end of December, and I'm going to lose my state insurance because I will be making too much money. What am I going to do if I get sick again? One dr. told me to expect it to come back sooner rather than later, and another told me not to walk around for the rest of my life waiting for it to come back. I don't know who to believe or what to expect.

Even though I had this job already in hand, I went and interviewed for another one last week anyway, because it would be a big step up career-wise if I got it. I'm supposed to find out Monday or Tuesday. How am I going to throw over this sweet little gramma who hired me, if I get this other job? Do I really want to move to a small town, and one where I don't know anybody at all? At least here I have relatives and friends.

OY I'm just so confused, and not dealing well. And yes, I DO catastrophize. I like to think of it as being well-prepared for any eventuality. It's kind of how I feel about my health: If I get all the horrible crap out of the way now, I should be healthy as a horse at 80! If I get all the usually-pointless stressing out done ahead of time, it'll be anticlimactic, whatever finally happens, and I won't have to worry about it anymore. Right?

It's a good thing I hoard Xanax..... In the meantime, I'm accepting pep talks!

Candy