Hi, thanks for writing!

IMO, when there are children involved, the kids come first. That's part of the deal. Your job to make sure the kids grow up to be responsible healthy (somewhat but not really) ready for real life adults (if you can think of a kid as an "adult" at 18. Personally I don't but 18 is 18 so...).

Anyway, I do think your relationship sounds very rocky and both sides have issues to work on. Which I don't think is a bad thing either. It doesn't seem as if things aren't do-able for you both if you get the help that you need.

BUT the bottom line, the relationship needs to be on hold until the children go to college / are out of the house. It's not fair to them. For as painful as that is and for as much as you want to be with her, your kids are #1 priority. And you definitely don't want them to grow up in an unhealthy environment. Focus on them and prepare them to be successful.

Best wishes to you both!