thanks for all the replies

I've been to some therapists, but always comes a time when they say "if that troubles you so much, look the other way"... I don't think denial is something smart.

I've also been to other countries and other regions within my country. Yes I could move but that would only solve my problems (a part of them, anyway). Even here it's not everything all that evil but still...

I tried to do my share in the politics and got kicked out (literally) for telling the truth people doesn't want to hear (and all that after finding and blowing open a 200k "misused" funds). I lost a cousin (he was in a task force against drug cartels) fighting crime... I know this "darker me" is just a way to vent this rage, and I really prefer to skulk here alone than to scream and be rude to people around me, (which puts me some miles away from credit card fraud or bank robbery) ... but it's just boiling up so much that I broke a finger punching a wall.

... either that or I'm just rationalizing, I really cannot tell the difference anymore