Hi there,

I am a psych major that is really into "psychodynamic/analytic" psychology. This therapeutic approach really focuses on past traumas, specifically going back to the parents.

so you said
God I felt so repulsive to the world.

What an awful thing to feel, I can't imagine the hurt you must have went through to end up feeling that way!

If I was a therapist, I might try to break that down and see how specific
you were able to get. Sometimes that can be so painful/emotionally difficult that it could take years to get to a place where this would be possible.

"I knew in my heart that I was a waste to all others,
and that it didn't matter what I did because I was me,
and all that I could ever do was dispicable."

Dang, so you grew up with what sounds like a total sense of worthlessness?
I think being able to recognize that this is what is really bothering you is such a huge step; I agree with you, and think some of these traumas that you endured is at the core.

I never got over that.
I prove to myself time and time again that I can do anything.
this is like my drive to do the impossible.

but no matter how much I achieve..... this is what's inside.

I think it's at the core of my emotional instability.

So no matter what you do, it just never helps; well, I personally believe that looking at this the way you are is a great direction to start in. The belief behind the psychdynamic type of approach says if you are able to talk about these traumas, and realize how wrong and impactful these things that happened to you were, then you might gain an insight into these patterns of worthlessness you feel in almost all areas of your life. Like relationships, work, and every attempt at any task could have this "worth" theme kick up for you, if that makes any sense.

Although there is much more involved with this therapy, the idea is to go back to your past and really cry out all those traumas you went through, feel like you did as a kid going through it all... and you'll be amazed at how even the things that seemed so trivial ended up being so important. Kids are small! 9 years old? Your parents are bigger then you, and you depend on them for love, acceptance, and support besides food/shelter/clothing. Its like the ultimate pain when these people who are supposed to take care of you, fail to do so.

I didn't mean to overwhelm you if that is what I ended up doing, I saw "core issues" and really wanted to support the direction you are going in, because so many say "you can't dwell in your past". There's no such thing, if it bothers you it is an unresolved issue, and there is hope of fixing it-you can't change the past, but you can talk about how it hurt and grow if you are with someone who supports you and will listen.

That was a lot, I apologize lol
take care,
-obj