looking into the his face, I could see the disgust. his eyes told me everything. the look of pure hatred in them. the way he curled his nose at me. the way his lips formed the putred look he was giving me. i noticed all of these things. He didn't have to say anything.

I resigned to his look. Unable to defend myself, because I have come to know that he is right. I was deserving of this look.

I had fought it before, trying to prove to myself time and time again that it was not true. but the only thing I had ever proven to myself was that he was right. He came to his own conclusion for a reason and that reason was true. this is who I am. I can not change that.

I had no choice but to accept it. My belief in it did not come easy. it came through years and years of trying to prove it wrong, to prove that I was not deserving of such hatred. But the only thing I ever proved was that yes, I was in fact that waste of a life, no matter how hard I tried to prove to myself differently.

The moment that one accepts this. that moment that it just clicked. That was the moment that I lost the capability to love. I was fourteen. My love had turned to hatred. I remember this. I could not love. I started pushing. pushing people to go farther, accusing them of being stupid and not knowing how to put me down. I would get into a fight and lose, but the whole time yelling that they sucked at fighting lol. I pushed it to the limit. and then I pushed it beyond. My sui attempt.

after the attempt I went through life like a zombie. for years it was whatever this and whatever that. heavy, heavy into drugs. daily injecting meth without a care in the world. i did not care. it was liberating to feel that way. and when I was eighteen, I told an officer that I had drugs on me because I was tired of living that way and I knew he would take me away from where I was. he did. and I completed the drug court program and never got charged for the drugs I had on me and never used again.

it was then that I learned to live by societys rules, but never changed on the inside.

I think I got the key elements specifically. It hurts to be honest... that's why i think i do it lol.