Quote:
Originally Posted by IceCreamKid
You wrote:
but that she has a lot to make up for with what she did too.
This is my opinion only. I am not a therapist or medical professional or counselor of any type. But I firmly believe that to develop loving close relationships one should throw out: holding grudges, payback, score-keeping and hurt-harboring.
As hard as it is to wrap your emotions around this idea, I think it is key to overcoming what sounds like a significant stumbling block in your marriage:
Your wife should not have to "make up for" anything.
When would the payback ever end? When would you be satisfied? Far better to count what you love about your wife and for her to do the same about you.
When I reflect on the marriage vows: for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health--an affair is a form of sickness in a marriage. Express the ideas you have written here for the marriage counselor to help you work through them. I wish the very best for you and your wife and your marriage.
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I disagree. While I agree with this when they've done all they can to reconcile with their spouse after they've had the affair -- that is, if she's already tried to reconcile with him, holding it over her head would be wrong. Very true. Doing this unreasonably is terrible and I've had that done to me so I know where you're coming from. nevertheless when someone has an affair something in the relationship breaks and you do have to hold them accountable. I think that in every case of an affair, if the person that has been the offender is really remorseful, they ought to be going out of their way to make things right. it can't be just let go. It's not that simple.
An affair isn't a sickness either. It's an offense against the spouse. It's not something that was out of her control to do but a conscious choice she made. no one chooses to be sick, sickness implies something that is wrong with the marriage and while that's obviously there also, the affair itself IMO isn't the sickness.
I do understand your view. I know where you're coming from, so no disrespect for that, I just don't come from your perspective. I hope I haven't offended you.
