...damn it's so hard...I just can't seem to get there.

all my efforts are for what?

I'm dumping huge ammounts of alcohol into my system and this has been going on for weeks now even months and it's increasing in frequency..

and ??

still nothing!

I buy the strongest beer I drink it all day and night I want to escape I want to go someplace I can never get back from but there is no movement!

this is surely the greatest failure of all time in my existence...I'm trying desperately to BLOW my mind ...

...but I simply and miserably cannot

I have inadvertently cancelled out any prospects of satisfying mania beyond brief recovery and I have made ineffective any true depression.!

it's the most inglorious bipolar experience I have ever had and I want it back so bad and I am ashamed in the meantime

...I grew up on drugs and drink...I grew up more... abusing them.

now I am a child again they don't work anymore