oh... I wish I didn't know that my condition had a name. that I even had a condition. I want to go back to thinking that this was life and it was this way for everyone. I did so good managing and handling things the best I could. I would not waver, would not give up. I made a life for myself despite having an illness since the age of nine. I did do good. I overcame.

and now. now it has a name. there is a reason and i know it. when I get depressed now, it's not like it's just a fact of life and I need to keep on trucking. no..... it's depression. I'm tired..... and I want to give in soooooo bad to just sleeping all day and not giving a care to what I need to do all in the name of depression. I would have never thoguht that way before....

I would have never wanted to use that excuse before....

before... if I stayed in bed all day.... i was doing the best that I could. but now, I don't want to do the best that I can. I was never defeated until they gave me a name for my condition. now...... now it's hard to see the point. it's a fight that I can never win. the first fight that I ever backed down from..... willingly..... was this one. and now... that's carried over to so many areas of my life.. to where I am tired of fighting.

so yes, I surely wish I had no clue. i wish I didn't know now what I didnn't know then.