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I'm at the point in therapy where it's becoming more difficult not to talk than it is to just be honest. Whenever she asks about what he did to me, I just look away in silence. Then she pokes a little more and I get quieter. There is so much I remember, so much pain and I don't think that actually saying it out loud is going to make it any better. What he did was bad, I was bad. But I was just a kid, I swear I didn't know. He said he would hurt my family. Week after week she just laid there on the floor and let him do awful things to her. "Her" is me and it hurts now just like it did then. I can't run away from it. The harder I try to stay silent the more it hurts. I woke up yesterday on my stomach and I hurt in places I shouldn't hurt. Was it real? It felt real. I don't know how to talk about this story. There are bad words, dirty words that I can't say. I just wish I could save her now. I could never save her back then not even one time. I would just wait for him to come.
I don't know where I was going with all this but sorry for going a little all over the place. I have an appointment tomorrow and don't want to waste her or my time anymore. I don't know why this is so hard. I take risks with my job and in my normal life everyday (I'm in the military). I don't much care about putting my life life aside for others I guess. This is the first time I have ever tried to fight for anything with me.