ok Dan, Ahhh retarded day at work, I would rather be here with my friends.

I read your other post too on specifics... You know I can understand a lot of what you are saying and relate it back to my own childhood and youth.

I'll give you a little bit of examples, so you can see where I am coming from. My father never liked me, he actually told me those very words when I was about 9 or 10, not that I didn't already know. Everything I did was so wrong, I had a speech problem that he would go balistic over, as if I was choosing that. No matter how hard I tired to please him I couldn't. I was really an awkward kid, moved about 2-3 times a year. I went to 26 different schools by the beginning of grade 10, however every school was the same.. in that I did not fit, not with the kids, not with the adults, with no one. Like you with the gym class, I did my algebra backwards, I had to attend after school "help" in hope to conform and to it forwards like everyone else. Just one example gosh there are so many.

By the time I was 14 I was homeless not by choice, family breakdown etc. I was volatile, angry, hurt, confused, scared.. I was already an alcoholic, and a drug user by 15. Picking fights, breaking the law, which I won't get into. Pretty much just reinforcing what I always thought, that I was a mess up in every way.

Something that took me years to break free from is that feeling like I am from the wrong wrong wrong side of the tracks. I can still feel it from time to time, but really it's nothing anymore. You can really change what you believe about yourself, and no it is not easy. It takes time.

Ok so it's not like you need forgiveness, tho sometimes that can help if we feel like we need to forgive ourselves of somethings. Acceptance tho, and embracement. ya that's not a word.

So maybe you were different, and maybe you still are, I was, and I still am. But why is it a bad thing? If you can allow yourself to try to see your differences in a different light maybe. Embrace them, and loose the shame.

When you say that it's not you believing them, its a part of you.. see to me that sounds familiar, but also distorted. It's the belief that is is you, and the belief that it is bad. Whatever we think we are, we will be. But is that the real real you, or is that the you you have been believing you are so deep to your core that the authentic you has been burried beyond belief?

I mean what happens if you try to just let go of this feeling that you have to try to cover up, what will happen if you accept and embrace the real true you, and even like him. Let go of the judgement you hold to yourself? Other people can see this and that is the thing, they may not pick it up on a conscience level, but they will pick it up, even if they don't recognize exactly what it is, you will be projecting what you think and feel about yourself to others. And they will catch the vibe of it, and they will act according to what you are putting out. That doesn't even matter so so much, I mean it does because we are our own representitives, we set the stage, and others follow our lead when it comes to all things us.

So what do you think it would take for you to start believing differently about yourself? It seems like it's so ingrained, but there surely is ways to loosen it off you. You might not even agree with me, but I am sure that was we think becomes our own reality. And if you continue to think this way about your very being, it's is going to be pretty damn real. If you change those beliefs and thoughts, it changes your reality too, and people can change near anything they think, believe, and feel.. the mind is extremely powerful.

If we can change these things, and it does change our reality, then our feelings are going to change too, and our emotions. And you can keep running with that as far as you want to. You could flip this whole thing in the opposite direction.

DBT and CBT can really help with this kind of stuff, but there are other ways to get at it too. Sometimes learning how to not judge is in order. Not judge the emotions in values of positive and negative, they just are, and you acknowledge they are there for what they are.. and then let them go. Don't attach to them and hold on to them. Stuff happens in life, and no matter what.. stuff will continue to happen, and it is the same idea, try not to judge the event, just see it for what it is, and try to work with it.

So much time we spend trying to work against everything, against the emotions, against events that happen, against ourselves, and against others. But I am not saying just let the emotions rule you either. But to bring awareness to what you do with them, and what you think about them.

We cling to them, and beliefs about yourself and everything else, but I think when we learn how to let go, we can get back to our true selves.

I am sorry if any of this seems confusing, I am tired and that makes me a little over here and there. It's such a big thing, how can you make it simple? But it kinda is simple, simply working on a few different areas.

I really hope you can find a way to let this stuff go, so you can just really be you, and really love you too. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and none of it is really a bad thing. Accepting them without judgement I think is what allows us to change and grow in all the places we might need.

Now sorry for the long jummbled reply, But I really want you to be able to come to a place of comfort and ease with yourself. I think that is so important.