I learned how to meditate years ago with a style called vipassana. it's where you focus on a small part of your body and just feel what that part of the body is feeling. then you move on the the next part right next to it and so on. It's really hard to stay focused in the moment!

but that focusing in the moment is what mindfulness is, whether there is a focus or not. staying in the moment.

in the meditation all thoughts are simply acknowledged and let alone to drift away... but in mindfulness I guess it's all the negative and non sensical ones.

it's going to be a lot of work. a lot. focus takes effort till it becomes habit, and even then I'm sure it is work.

my hesitation is that it brings with it a sense of loss. even when you lose something horrible and no good, it's still a loss and brings that sense with it. I don't want to feel a sense of loss.

my other hesitation with it is that I'm a little freaked out by thinking what I will find. this would be the thing that would tell me ultimately if I really am that waste of skin or not. seriously... I have hid behind the anger and pain for so long, that if and when I emerge from it... what if I am that no good kid still? something like that would send me straight off the edge!

oh well.... here goes nothing!