(((Big Mama))),

It is not good to surpress your feelings, you have been facing some challenges and thinking about "why" these challenges are there for you too, and don't forget you struggle with PTSD.

Instead of getting upset with yourself for having emotions, "observe" the emotions and what they connect to.

If you are "crying" then you need to cry sometimes, because you need to "mourn" things too. If you don't allow yourself to do that, then you will turn it into "anger".
What you are doing now is "self blaming" for having "emotions" and that isn't really being "fair to self" BM.

You have been slowly letting out the situations you have experienced that disrespected your personal space/ boundaries/ sense of personal control. All these things you have been talking about are things that have "happened in the past" and you are looking at them with more knowledge then you had when you experienced them. So, when you look back and have "more answers/knowledge" you are going to realize some "sad things". As you begin to see these sad things BM, you will have periods of "crying". It is very similar to watching a movie with "sad parts" and responding with tears and sad feelings. You must remember BM, you are only "human".

Ok, now, lets think for a minute about your husband. You have been talking about him alot and the challenges he presents to you. Well, he is basically a "control freak" right? Do you know why? Well, the reason he needs things organized and controlled so much IS SO THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIS EMOTIONS. And when things are "out of place" it upsets him and makes him angry, because anger is the only "emotion" that is somehow "acceptable to men" and most people for that matter.

Many people seem to think that it is important to "surpress their emotions" and that when we express emotions "we are weak" somehow or "vulnerable". Somewhere in the back of many people's minds is a message "don't go feeling sorry for yourself".
I don't know about you, but there were many times when I was hurt/upset when I had people say that to me. That is a "common subconsious message" that "feelings mean weakness/vulnerability/lack of problem solving skills/selfish/lack of maturity and inability to "practice self control". Sound familiar?

One of the big reasons people who struggle with PTSD islolate is because they begin to realize they have "lost the ability for "self control" somehow" around other people.
People with PTSD begin to realize that if someone asks them a certain kind of question, even as simple as "how are you" they can suddenly break down and be honest, with an extremely "emotional" reply. And they often feel very lost too because they don't know how to "gain control" in their life, and that is "scarey" for every human being.

Now, think about how you began to feel sooooo relieved when you came to PC and meet others who HAVE SO MANY EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES LIKE YOU DO? You felt as though you found heaven in a way right? And because you found that you began a journey of "sharing all the things you thought you had to "stuff" and "resolve all by yourself" without "feeling sorry for yourself somehow". And when you do share your challenges and emotions, you can see "in writing" how others "validate" your emotions. OMG you say, I finally get to be "human" after all.

Remember saying this? "I can't tell my father how difficult and challenging my marriage is because he might "beat up my husband and make things worse". This is a "big clue" because that is a long time subconscious message you have, "I cannot tell something is bad, hurt me, so I better conceal it".

Have you ever noticed how many members say, "I have to pretend I am ok, life is ok, I am happy, so my parents will be ok or feel happy". And, then these members go on and on about how miserable and lost they are and even wonder how to do life at all, and sometimes they have some "dangerous thoughts". And "my mother and father will never understand and I know they can't help me".

Your husband has alot of this himself, as a matter of fact he feels that "no one can help him" and that is a big reason he "doesn't care for therapists". And you go to marriage counceling and the T tells him to lower his tone, so he tries that, but it has done nothing for his problem "with control" and "expressing whatever you do this might not be how he needs to see something done", and remember, the only emotion he can express is "anger" because he has so much stuffed inside him, god forbid he open that door, god only knows what would happen then.

Alot of men get upset when women cry in front of them, hmmm why do you think that happens? They often don't want to be around that because many men "fear" sympathizing because it might open a can of worms for them they have no idea what to do with. And from what you have discribed about your husband, there is a 12 year old boy that was scared and yet he had to keep shoving that and pressing on anyway. When did he ever get to even have a "horse" he could spend time with where he could let all his emotional challenges out?

So, "healing' includes finally allowing our emotions to come out, understanding what they are connected to, and talking about them and finally getting "validation" and another human being to finally say, "I believe you, that was scarey, sad, horrible, lonely, and you should have had help with that".

And depending on what a person's history is, this process can take time to work through so that "healing and positives begin to take place".

And a big reason why your husband gets upset by you spending so much time at PC etc, is because the "only" human being he has to "interact with" somehow, is now "unaccessable to him". And he is so challenged in how well he can "interact with you" because he never learned "how", there was "no one" there for him to teach him that either.

Open Eyes