((Big Mama)),

What you are beginning to realize right now, and with your experience in therapy and PC is that you did "hold back" your emotions and it goes back to your childhood. And you "are" a person who does have "empathy and emotions", you are actually a very "kind hearted nice person" BM. And these periods of "crying" are "apart of the grieving process that needs to take place in your healing".

Most people that are "in therapy" and are finally allowing their emotions to come out so they can address them, will say that "therapy" often leaves them feeling "exhausted" for a couple of days. And they often wonder if "therapy is helping them" because somehow they thought that therapy was supposed to bring "relief".

Well, "relief" is a slow process depending on what an individual has surpressed in their personal history BM, so at first "therapy" can be "tiring".

Your T saying that it is an "OK" thing to do when you release emotions, of often something many people "wonder about trusting". Often what gets in the way of "real therapy" taking place is that a person will somehow feel that by allowing themselves to express their emotions will show a therapist "how nuts or bad they are". Most people really worry about "exposing the things that upset them, make them feel vulnerable, or cause them to struggle emotionally because they feel like someone will somehow "invalidate" them and "say they are spoiled or being childish or selfish".

What you are discribing about your childhood and what you learned about "having emotions but not being able to express them" is VERY COMMON. Remember, for a very long time parents went by the thought "Children are to be seen and not heard".
In your parents time growing up, this is exactly the kind of message they learned, and extablished in their "subconscious" minds. And this isn't just "your problem" Big Mama, it is "most people's problem" and the biggest problem that we address with our "pharmacudical industry".

Remember, for a long time the answer was a pill from a bottle, and "therapy" was becoming "obsolete". It has only really been recently that we are learning the real "value" of therapy again.

BM, you know what is being studied now? Well, I happened to have a customer that is a "neuropsychiatrist" and she told me that they are now studying brain problems and how that affects "emotions" and they are also recognizing the "impact" emotions have in the brain. The way to maintain a "healthier" brain is to "reduce the overload of "emotions" that present the brain to fill with chemicals that can "hurt" the brain.

What you and many others learned growing up "hide your feelings and "deal with it" is not a "healthy way" to raise a human child. Human children are supposed to learn to "understand" what emotions are and that they "mean something" and they are supposed to slowly learn how to "ask for help when they are struggling with something they do not understand".

If you observe "human children" they slowly discover their emotions and just like anything else learn what they mean and how to express them to communicate their needs and set thier boundaries. If children are constantly told their emotions mean nothing and that they have to find ways to just "surpress them" then they simply do not grow up into "healthy human adults".

If we do not teach our children to learn how to be "assertive" and expect them to be "passive" well then we are teaching them they have to "be passive" in society. And if we allow or pay attention to a child and give them what they want when they become "aggressive" then we will teach them how to be aggressive as adults, even teach them to become "bullies and abusers".

What is a "disfunctional family"? Well, often what happens is the Father is often "aggressive and the mother can be passive" and the children are either aggressive or passive depending on how many there are and who is the oldest etc and NO ONE PRESENTS HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE so the children often grow up not only emotionally inbalanced but confused about how to really "assert themselves" effectively so they can set healthy boundaries and feel they have permission to "thrive in their lives".

Ofcourse the "disfunction" can be the opposite where an aggressive "mother" and a "passive" father is present and that can be just as bad, or can lead to the "male" children never feeling they can "control or have personal value". And if the mother is a "self absorbed Narcisist" wow, none of the children become "well balanced adults".

So Big Mama, if you think you are alone with "having challenges" think again on that one, because the supply is often "endless" of people who have challenges and feel lost. Society in general is "back paddling" because of the lack of knowledge so many parents have in regards of "raising a healthy child".

I am giving you the big picture Big Mama so you realize that "you are not alone" after all and there are alot of people that struggle much like you do and somehow "feel guilty" about it.

The busiest forum in PC is the relationship forum Big Mama, now why do you think that is? Why have you suddenly been recognizing the fact that for quite a long time your "position" you have felt is the way "you" had to survive with is 'BEING PASSIVE"?
Why, Big Mama do you have these tears? Well, the reason why you have them is because "finally" you are recognizing that "it is sad" to see what you "allowed yourself to be" and that you "could have had a choice" if someone had taught you how to be "assertive" when you were growing up.

The biggest problem most people have when they finally address "being" abused is "guilt" somehow. And "yet" they also have alot of anger in there too, and often they have "no idea" what to do with that. And often what these people are challenged with is "a sense of uworthyness" and the bottom line is that "none of this is truely "their fault" and the "truth" is that they are really NOT ALONE in having the challenge either.

Big Mama, I have met the nicest people in PC. And the constant challenge I see them facing is exactly what I have been posting about in your thread here. And they are "not stupid people" either.

Right now Big Mama, it is totally understandable that you can only seem to manage interacting the way you have been interacting. But, if you continue to "allow yourself' to "observe" grow, and learn and finally realize you are not as alone as you think you are, you will slowly be able to do the same kind of interactions with a physical person standing in front of you as well.

However, the pathway to being able to do that, is to invest the time in yourself first and slowly learn how to finally address your own history, and the emotions that go with it. But you have to realize that part of that process is "mourning" too, so you will have periods where you are going to "cry". And you are not going to have a total "resolve" right away either.

So, what you have to learn how to do is "Cope with your emotions". And what that means is "acknowledging them" understanding that they have a "purpose" and also understanding that "anxiety lets you know you are being overwhelmed" and that is all.
That the best you can do is find ways to distract your brain into "simple thoughts away from too many thoughts" so you can relax. Then you still have to allow yourself to "slowly" problem solve. And just because you "have problems and challenges" and you "don't have all the answers" doesn't mean you are "a failure" either.

My "constant" message is "self love and self care" and to develope a part of yourself that is willing to stand above, observe, practice self soothing and self care, and allow self to slowly learn. And also, very importantly" do not "self punish" just because you don't have enough resolve yet to feel you are in "control" YET.

"YET" is the word you must constantly use as a mantra that you repeat to yourself. And also, my favorite, is "one day at a time" that gives you permission to take the time one day at a time to "heal".

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes