My bp son is suicidal again. He gets mad when I leave the house, he hates me when I'm here. He is having fantasies of injecting heroin, won't tell me how many times he's done it. He won't go to his therapist who he loves, $150 I still have to pay today she doesn't take insurance.

He will die if he does heroin, so yea I'm in a trap of impending doom, catastrophic thinking, how could I not be? Going out of town for work was such a relief to be away from the kids and this house.

I wonder if I would just split town if they had a father. I feel guilty thinking that but shouldn't it be someone else's turn now, like the man who created their lives with me. I can't go through another 5150 and hospitalization with him. I'm weak I'm tired.

I don't know how I've even made it through the past 6 years of this hell.