I've tried eveything coping method I know of, waited for this pain to go away, but it won't. No matter what I do, nothing helps. I've been feeling like this for far too long, and I just want to feel better. I just want to wake up one morning and feel happy to be alive, just once. That's all I'm asking. I hate this.
I feel like I'm trapped inside myself. Does this make sense to anyone? I can't talk to anyone, about anything. If someone at work tries to make small talk with me, all I do is come back with some stupid, mimimal reply then walk away. I feel like I can't open up to anyone, no matter how badly I want to. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I just feel like no one cares, if I fell of the face of the earth tomorrow no one would even notice nor care.
The one thing I've learned in this life is that everyone already has someone, and I'm left with no one, alone, no friends, no boyfriend or anyone for that matter.
Last night, for the first time since Feb. 1999, I cut myself again. I know this sounds sick, but it felt good to see all that blood running down my arm. I felt like I was finally getting what I deserved. I'm so tired of this, tired of going on feeling like this. I really don't know what to do. I held the blade against my throat and pressed down, bleeding but just a little. I almost cut deeper, and imagined what it was like to be dead. But I stopped myself.
I can't do this much longer. I know I need help, but no one cares enough to. And I don't even know how to ask for it. I'm just so screwed up.
Okay, I should stop now. I'm sorry you had to listen to me go on and on. But it starts to build up inside and I don't know what to do.
I think I'm truly going insane.