Personally I hate dealing with doctors and psychiatrists so I'm dropping the question here. I honestly want to know what's wrong with me and my head.

I'm a quite social person, outgoing, got friends etc. just generally a happy person BUT there are times when I'm not. When I was a kid I used to get bullied a lot and I think it has left me a big and deep scar. Because of it, I have this thing that I hate people by default but change my minds about them through their actions but it doesn't take much for me to change my mind about others.

I like to descripe myself as a some sort of a pressure tank. Every interaction I have with other people just add pressure in, but it's not a lot, just very little for every little thing, but if I happen to have a fight of course there's going to be more pressure going in. Once I'm at max capacity. I have to release the air out somehow, usually I do this by playing games or exercising.

But then there are times when I'm unable to release the pressure... There have been times when I've lost my **** at a grocery store to some complete stranger who has done a little wrong to me. I've learnt to control this a little bit over the years but the reason why I'm writing this wall of text...

... Is because I just had the biggest fight so far with my current girlfriend on the phone and it just got me boiling over. I was punching myself to bruises while on the phone just to ease the pain because it was just overwhelming. (I always try to aim physical violence at myself not others).

This is the worst I've ever felt. When I get this moment that I cant release the pressure, I get very dark thoughts just like they were straight from a horror film and I feel like my head was 2 sizes too small for my brain. It's just an immense pain inside of my head. But what I just felt was over the top and scary to say the least.

When I say I get dark thoughts, just use your wildest imaginations, even suicidal thoughts but I find suicide a pathetic option for a situation that can be handled and I love living.

I just feel so lost right now because I have no name to call my little "outburst" with. I'm sorry if the text is difficult to read but I'm writing this in a bit of a moment if you catch my drift... Oh and if it's any relevant information to tell I'm 22 years old, male, student.