For those of you who have read 'Sex at 15... the issues of Bipolar' and assumed that was my 'first time', please don't be horrified that you are wrong. Everyone is always so horrified. I know that you will say to not be ashamed, but it's starting to eat away at my insides...

But anyway. thats not what this is about.

There was a guy I met at a party on one of my 'highs'. He was so very sweet and nice and... talll.... and drunk. We kinda paired up and hung out during the night, due tot he fact I knew no-one there. at all. His name, was Jake.
Anyway. Long story short, he said he liked nickelback and I fell in love. He gave me a beer or two, and asked me to come for a walk so he could have a smoke. He told me all these sweet things that made me believe he was a great guy... and alcohole makes me a little... flirtatious. And I was on a high as well, so I was being very reckless indeed. He made me do things I didn't want to do... I told him to stop, and he would... but then he'd keep going after saying something to calm me down. he had a gift with words.
Finally I got myself on my feet and he just picked me up... full on picked me up like I weighed nothing, kissed me and asked for my number. I have a slight phobia of being picked up. Not to mention I was a little low on clothes at the time.

Anyway, i got over it eventually... I was scared of guys for a while, would scream when they touched me. I was 13 at the time and fridgit as hell. Last night, he tried to video call me, then sent me a ton of messages asking to meet up. I cried under my desk for ages.

I know myself a little better now, and I know that I will probably end up saying yes and going to meet him at 3am. Because when I'm on a high, I crave being reckless. And I hate it. I hate myself, because I KNOW I'm going to keep making the same mistakes and it pisses me off so much.

What do I do...? [thankyou for reading, if you have ever been in this situation or have an idea, please note me. or note me anyway. I love notes.]