ElisaB- You sound exactly like I did. I swear- we have said the same exact words. I also have said that I felt like my son would be better off, that everyone would. I don't feel like that today. If someone had told me when I said the things you are saying that someday I would not feel that way anymore, I never would have believed them. But here I am. I know you won't believe me, that this too shall pass, but at least see that a total stranger has said the same words as you and know that this is our illness talking, not our hearts. We share this illness and these words and these feelings. I may wake up tomorrow and feel like you do right now, but I will look at my writings and remind myself that those feelings are not me, they are a disease. I promise you that leaving your children would destroy them, and as my husband and doctor put it to me, "as a mother, you do not have the luxury of making the choice to end your life". It infuriated me at the time, but now I understand. Everything looks bad now, much worse than it is or should look, but you are wearing bipolar glasses. You have to give yourself a chance and get to the doctor as soon as you can. Don't give up on yourself. You are someone's mother, and that in itself is a triumph. You are worth a trip to the doctor and some pills and some rest and a new perspective. Please don't let a disease make this decision for you. You are here, and you are meant to be here. PM me anytime. Virtual hug to you.