you could be right OE. I had not thought of that. Fear is the only time I cried when I was little. It seems to be mainly when I cry now. I am afraid of my H and how much more emotional damage I can take. I fear for the furtue, that I am not making the right choice. It is very frustrating w/ my H.

My dad used to belittle me when working on math home work. I just couldn't get math. (dyslexia I suppose) He'd get angry and call me dumb, tell me if you can't figure this out then you must be a real dumb *****, If that's the right answer then I'm a monkey's uncle. (that never made since to me, but it is what he always said) I would just set and cry and wait for him to finish. That's what I do w/ my H. I want him to stop. What he's saying is not true and I'm trying my hardest to think of something to say or something else to think but I just can't seem to do it. So I just set and cry while he goes on and on. When he is done I'm left wounded w/ nothing left in me to give. I'm broken.

OE, that's it. at least part of it. Sometimes I wonder how these things get stuck in my mind and amazingly get out. I do w/ my H what I did w/ my dad. I don't know how to do differently. I intend to find out though.

I found the most amazing thing. I found an old floppy disk from back in the late 80's. I remember during the rape I kept a journal. So no one would find it I put it on this floppy disk. Now I found the disk and don't know how to get the thing read. They sure don't make those anymore. I told the T, I think I want to know what is on it or maybe I don't. If I ever do get it read I'll have to make sure to have my next T's visit asap after reading it. I wander what it contains that I have forgotten. do I really want to know what I have forgotten. I think I do. I want to get aver as much of this stuff as I can. Just putting things out there for her to see and people here to see seems to lessen my ownership of the past. It will always be mine, and be part of me. But if I don't hold on to it so tightly and give some of it away then it is not all mine to bare.

Well thank you for your hand in my growth. The lord certinly has his haqnd on you so you can help others. Thank you for all you do.

Big Mama