You need to start looking at life as an experiment that it is. You tried cheating and it led to bad consequences, so, I agree with "You betrayed him, and you have to accept the consequences, and my suggestion it to "move on and find another relationship knowing that you need to respect "trust"".

Open Eyes"

So you know that some marriages withstand extramarital affairs and some do not. It is an awfully high price to pay for that knowledge, but you do not learn from books as you said - when your counselors or therapists sent you to read books, it did not work. Some people are lucky in that they can obtain and incorporate knowledge from books, the Internet, other people's experiences, etc. Others only learn from their own experiences. Only from their own. So that must be your case. Of course, losing a best friend, a soulmate and ten good years - an awfully high price for a good lesson, but there is nothing you can do about it at this point.

But now that you have learned you can go and apply your newly acquired knowledge to better your life with someone else.

I feel for you very much as it is very hard to be still in love with a person you have already divorced.