I think it's gotten worse for me as I've aged, although that could be because I'm actually aware of it now instead of blundering around blindly like I did for most of my life. Until 3-4 years ago, I was able to fake "normality" most of the time, and I had long periods of what I now know are stable moods. It's what they call "presenting well," and I can still do it to some extent. But things started going downhill right around the time my youngest child graduated from high school, then followed some extremely stressful times when I was between jobs, recuperating from knee surgery, dealing with a body that's falling apart, etc.

Then last winter, I think something crossed over in me and ignited a raging mixed episode that I couldn't ignore or try to bluff my way through. I got into trouble at another online forum that I'd been on for over ten years and moderated for six, flipped a screaming fit at work, and was so strung out that I told my primary doc that if he didn't give me something to mellow me out, I'd probably wind up in the newspaper (to say nothing of jail) for killing something or someone.

The past year has been a real struggle, and there have been many times I've wanted to give up because I knew I was losing the fight with my illness. I still don't know if it'll ever be under complete control, or if I'll just keep having mood episodes forever, even though their effects are less harsh now because of the medications I'm on. All of which makes me wish someone had caught on to this and diagnosed me properly when I was younger.

But, I'm healthy now, so I'll be grateful for any period of stability I get to experience and do what I need to in order to prolong it.