Like has been said, I see some issues here that we can't resolve for you. I know you said that you hate doctors and psychiatrists, but you really DO need a therapist.

Therapy isn't THAT awful! Therapy can be a life saving activity! If I hadn't gone thru therapy, I doubt I'd be here right now.

Please have your doctor refer you to a good therapist. You really won't regret it, I PROMISE. I'm sure you don't want to spend the rest of your life living the way you are now. Try to get these issues resolved now, or at least learn how to cope with them -- and deal with them reasonably.

I wish you the very best. Please keep us informed on how you're doing, will you? God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee