(((Big Mama))),

I am sorry your father treated you so poorly. When someone has dislexia their brain simply learns differently and it takes them longer to understand things because of how their brain uses a different part to process and learn than normal. It doesn't mean the person with dislexia is dumb either, they can actually be quite intellegent and talented people.

People with dislexia become aware they don't learn on the level others learn somehow, however they do have a drive in them to adapt and push forward anyway.
It is normal for someone with dislexia to think they are "less than" however.

My daughter has dislexia and thankfully I could see something wasn't quite right and at the time Yale was running a study of dislexia and my daughter was included in the study. It was very helpful because they told me where her troubled areas were and one of her challenges is that if she is given a list of 5 or more things to remember and do, she will only remember 2 or 3 and swear that was all she was told.

That explained alot to me because if I gave her a few things to do, she never did them all, and I thought she was being "lazy". Knowing how she processed helped me to help her. And I had to constantly talk to her teachers so she would not be punished if she struggled.

She amazingly adapted to how she learned, because she was given the chance. And she did get frustrated whenever she struggled with something, but, I always made sure I never picked on her and lovingly encouraged her to keep trying. I am so grateful for having the help to understand her from Yale. So "knowledge" and "understanding" from a parent makes a big difference in how a child "builds a sense of self worth".

Her last boyfriend though didn't understand or accept the way her mind works. He would go on and on with things about himself and after a while she would "dissasociate" because it became too much for her to absorb. Whenever he would find out she didn't remember something he said, he would get really mad at her and say to her that she was selfish and lazy. And she endured that for 8 years BM. I didn't realize that was going on either, otherwise I would have made it a point to talk to him. She allowed for this because of her tendency to feel less than that is normal to those who struggle with dislexia. (You may relate to this)

When a parent is "ignorant" they can do alot of damage if a child has special needs.
Unfortunately, this happens alot, I had to suffer from that growing up because my older brother struggled and because of ignorance he was constantly punished which made it worse. It made my childhood, scarey and I was always stressed out and constantly challenged.

Big Mama, I have tears of "fear" and tears of "mourning". I never imagined that I would be looking at myself this way either. While we do know in a way that our lives shape us as we grow, we do not realize that we can adapt in unhealthy ways. We can "accept" certain behaviors that are not healthy for us because that is what we are used to, and know how to be treated and deal with it. It is as if we learn that we "deserve" to think we are "less than" and that this is "nomal" to how people will see us.

It is "normal" for anyone struggling with PTSD that can stretch back to a childhood where someone was "neglected/abused/or given unhealthy messages" to be confused. When this period begins to take place the person struggling withdraws and can begin to see "others" as "evil monsters/abusers" and begin to have a sense of "fear and helplessness" and even say "OMG, they never really loved me, I really "was" unsafe".
What also takes place as well is "anger", often periods of anger about the mean and controlling treatment of the "child" inside the PTSD victim. And the PTSD victim can really "feal that child part of them that was suffering " as if it is happening in the now. Often this creates a sense of confusion while this happens because it is as if the PTSD sufferer isn't quite in the "present" and that feels scarey too.

When I went through this myself (sometimes it still happens) I felt a million miles away from everyone and I felt there would be no way I could get others to understand how much I was struggling. And to be honest, that is just what happened too, my family didn't get it at all, even told me to stop acting like a child. It can be so scarey and incredibly lonely. That is why I reach out and take time to explain to others "not to be afraid" and they will get "better" and to "give it time" and "observe".

Big Mama, you are going to have these confusing moments while you are working through PTSD, but understand that these are "waves of emotions and memories" coming forward, and they "do" come in and then receed. And allow yourself to "observe" and after it calms down "work through it" and "allow yourself to see what it means and sometimes it can be "sad"". However, as you work through these things that come forward, you "will" weaken them as you work through them slowly.

And you will want to put these things that come forward into words and talk about them. And that is what you have been doing. And there will be times when you will show your anger and see the people "parents or anyone that you feel threatened by" as "terrible abusers". And you may often get confused about how to "react or interact with them" as well. This is "normal" to the healing, and as you learn to slowly "identify" these people and "why" they treat you and others in unhealthy or ignorant ways, you will slowly gain "better perspective" and find some "sense of empowerment" and a little "balance" and "relief".

When I post to you, what I do Big Mama, is I try to "not feed into the "he/she is the evil bad guy" scenario. Instead I try to help you see the "weakness and ignorance" that is there instead so you can have some "resolve" instead of "just anger and fear". It is important to remember, "people are what they know", and just as you have things "you don't know or understand" so do others.

When someone is challenged with PTSD, they don't always have the ability to do what is suggested in the literature given in the top of this forum. However, the advice still works if you give it "more time" and "step back" and learn how to see what you think are "abusers" better. Keeping in mind that with PTSD, a person is alot more sensitive and emotional responses or senses of danger are "magnified".

I have been "triggered" at times, even here at PC, and there were times when I just "reacted" as if I had "no control". They were usually times when I made an effort to say "leave me alone" that did not get heard. And I did try to "protect my boundaries", and when it didn't work, I would "surge" with anger I could not control. It was really challenging at home too because my husband has some very bad "intrusive and disrespectful patterns of behavior towards me". And because I want the "adult part of me to be more effective in protecting my boundaries" I can get strong and even "defiant".

Whenever I had these outbursts I could not control, once that "wave" receeded, I began to be "upset" that I over reacted. That is "normal" and when that happens, it is important to not "self punish" but to talk about it, and "learn from it" and observe it and think about finding a new way to address it. This is where the "yet" comes in because by allowing yourself to do that, you are giving yourself permission to grow and learn, verses continue to feel "stuck and confused and angry" or feeling like "a failure somehow".

There is a "real path" to healing BM, so you have to be "patient" with it and you "will" make gains. I can say first hand that there will still be "ups and downs" and "emotional challenges" but you "can" learn to work through it, and for a time you will not quite know "what you want or what your long term decisions should be" that is normal too. That will come as you make gains so be "patient".

Open Eyes