Have you tried letting your bf into your circle in small dosages? Slowly peeling the layers on top of yourself off? Does he know any of the issues that haunt you, or is it all secrets that you hold inside of yourself?

I can relate to not letting you bf get too close ~ kind of like dangling a carrot in front of him, to keep him interested enough to hold on. I have done that same thing for a very long time. The guilt and shame on that issue tears me up inside, as I feel like a complete B!

Do try to let your bf in on some of the things that you're struggling with (not all at once). You could start by saying that you've been through a lot, and that you're working on getting past these issues. Later on, you may feel more safe, and you may decide to share the fact that you tend to push those that your truly care for away (in fear that they'll push you away & you are afraid of being pushed away again). And so on. Little by little, let your bf inside.

Hugs and best wishes sent your way...