T

It feels like this is a count down. I don't want this at all...

Even if it's just a break we need, I don't cope with breaks. I'm so stubborn too. I can imagine that I'll never contact you again, just because the goodbye was so painful. I can also imagine that finally, after four years you'll have the proper break you need from me. It will be so nice for you not having to deal with someone who has always needed you to work so hard during sessions. I feel quite sure that it will be such a relief and you'd probably feel great disappointment to hear from me in the future. Still, maybe that isn't possible after everything. I just want to know that it's okay anyway...even though this is all over...

I just can't believe that it will quite possibly be the last time I see you, hear you, and talk to you. I can't believe I might never sit in your office, safe and supported again. You said that last year you were too reactive to me in particular, so you should have taken a one month break from me. So I guess we've gone beyond that now, and this is the forever break you need from me. It's breaking my heart. The first person I've ever recalled feeling strongly attached to. I really risk it, I risk it...and then the heartbreak of not being good enough for that person. Not being wanted. All over again T. All over again. I always, always thought it was different with you.

How do I get through those last 50 minutes? My one person. I don't understand how this is okay....