I guess this is a continuation of the post I put out the other day. I just thought it would be easier to restart.

For some reason, I can't seem to get out of this hole. Yesterday, the pain Dr. I have had for the past ten years said he no longer wants to be a Dr. and may hang in for a year or two, then leave. That would be devestating under any circumstances. He is a great Dr., always listened, allowed me to be part of my own treatment, and never made me feel like my pain was insignificant. I met him when I was hospitalized for a medication reaction. The ER wanted to try an IV drug, and after the third treatment, my hand turned blue. The neurologist sent my Dr. up to give me a nerve block for the migraine I was there for. He told me right off the bat that he thought it was a bad idea. He wound up taking me on as a new patient and has been working with me since then. The use of narcotics in migraines is generally looked down upon, but it was the only thing that worked. Once he is gone, who knows what the new Dr. will do. I fear they will start over again at the beginning.

My son got a hold of a letter I sent to his mother, (my ex), that was discussing his upcoming enterance into college. The letter I was responding to was from his mother who had said that one of the colleges wanted a higher SAT score for acceptance. What he found was out of context and he e-mailed me very angry. I suspect his mother either left the letter where he would find it, or showed it to him. She has been pulling that sort of stunt for years. I always kept my mouth shut, because he didn't need to be put in the middle. Through the years, she has told him I left because I was sick in the head. (I had migraines. She called me at school threatening suicide). Convinced him that they didn't have a house because I wouldn't give them enough support. (every month I send twice the amount the law requires and have for years). She has left foul mouthed messages on the phone where I live with a friend and her husband. Convinced him that I don't care, and has accused me of trying to kidnap him (that was said with him standing there). That and much much more.

Those are just two of the things that have happened after this latest bout of depression started. For the first time in a long time, I've had suicidal ideations, thoughts of cutting etc. I can't eat or sleep. The handheld part of my peripheral nerve stimulator broke and the teck was supposed to see me today. He finally called, said he would call back in fifteen minutes and never did. The stimulator is a crucial part of controlling intractable migraines.

Usually I can find my way out of the worst of the depression, but not this time. I spent 8 years in college to get a degree I always wanted, had three years of productive work and then my physical health got so bad that three half days at work are all I can manage. I know I've been incredibly lucky, or blessed, because I managed to fulfill the most important of my childhood dreams. It feels like everything I worked so hard for has been taken away, and as my health declines, it just gets worse. There is little the Dr.s can do at this point.

I'll stop here. I know I'm rambling. Its just hard to think.

Sam2