sailaway, to speak of abuse is bound to be hard. dealing with it will probably be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. so just take time. the first time i told my therapist about it was 3 years into my therapy. i found it so hard, almost like i was trying to break my way through a thick, brick wall. i started shaking, sweating, had an awful headache etc. i found it so hard but i had to tell her, for my own good. so i forced my way through the wall and emerged a better person for it.

i really can sympathise with what you are going through, i know just how hard it can be. if only it can be easier.

you were a child when it happened, how could you control what was going on, we have no control over our lives as children, so what happens to us isnt our fault, it also isnt our responsibilty to save that child (us). but we can save ourselves now we are adults.

its the initial opening up that will be the hardest for you sailaway, getting past this will help so much. your therapist knows this, thats why she seems to "push" you to tell her. its about inner strength, you do have it, whether you know it or not. you just need to gather all of it and just tell her, and allow any emotion to folow. try telling her at the start of the session so she can help with any emotion that follows.

waking up feeling in pain is natural, its your body and mind recounting what happened, this could well continue, it probably wont happen often. its just your body dealing with it. dont tell yourself these feelings are bad, they seem bad for you but they are all part of the healing process.

i wish i could help more. if you want to, you can pm me to talk about it. im here if you need me ok and i know what you are going through, completely.

sorry if i dont seem to be speaking much sense, today i just cant seem to express exactly what im thinking. ive given it my best effort so i hope it helps.

take care of yourself and go at your own pace with everything, only do things when your inner self is ready. it could do more damage by doing it at the wrong time. you seem ready to conquer these feelings, but you need to break through the wall in order to do so.

simon