if you get the title then that is what i feel like im fighting.

i have been single now for a little over a week, i have not seen cathy since the 7th shes in a mental hospital in TN and it is my fault for how i treated her. all my friends take my side and it makes me feel worse. and all her friends take my side as well. i kept it private i isolated her from people in her family that i thought hurt her and because of steph and john filling her ear while i couldent talk to her she said we were done, she is going back to her ex from before me. 2 years down the drain, i moved from TN to AR where i cant get my mental health taken care of. i have 16 days worth of abilify left. so i take it when i been getting to far depressed and wanting to kill myself like i was this morning. i feel alone completely. i had to switch my SSDI case from TN to AR and i have to call them monday. that is what short term ideal is keeping me alive the long term is my brother (best friend since grade school) he will graduate from basic in the end of Feb. its not much but i keep my word and i said i would be their for him. he means a lot in my life doing things i just cant do. im hurting and scared and this is a mix of relationship and my bi polar then suicide. thats why i posted it here... cathy is on here too but she wont read my posts shes like i said indisposed. i miss her but she said she was done and called herself a ghost to me.

so yea it feels like im fighting Balrog each day. and for the people who do not know its the fire guy from lord of the rings. where gandolf says you shall not pass....

and i want to ask something is it bad that if i am feeling suicidal or really bad in my head if i listen to songs about it it makes me worse then better... like i listened to bother by stone sour then hurt by johnny cash then 30 mins by tatu... i felt like doing it while listing to the song but after its over i start to feel a little better... i dont know if that is odd or something...