^ So the lightbox was a good investment? Maybe I'll save up for one.

Do you swim regurarly as excersize? Do you think you think more while swimming because you can't listen to music or talk? If so, what ramifications does that have? I always liked excersize because it was just me and my thoughts to decompress, but too much silence makes me anxious.

I feel like I've been hit by something. This morning when I was at the gym (went back after a week without) and my legs were hurting. Maybe I was dehydrated or something, but I don't usually hurt that much. I'm sort of worried why I feel so run down. It's been this way for over a week. I did change my medication dose two weeks ago so potentially that could be making me sluggish, headachy and unmotivated. Or it could be the original illness, but I don't really feel depressed. Maybe I'm taking the wrong medicine. Effexor has been given me headaches from the start, but it seems to take the edge off the really bad feelings (you know like the feeling that I'll be going crazy any minute now so I better kill myself before I become an even worse failure) and well, all feelings--though, I have brief breakthroughs where I act or feel like myself (my non-depressed self who never sticks around very long. I miss them). I've suffered so much from starting and stopping meds lately that even if Effexor isn't helping, I might stick around with it because I don't want to suffer anymore. I've read that you have more of a chance of relapse if you have residual symptoms, though so I should do something about them.

I'll probably talk to my pdoc when I go in mid-Feb. She might want to switch my med again. I should really bring up the fact that I have anxiety and ocd symptoms I don't really address. Effexor isn't helping those. Honestly, I don't think any drug can help me. I resisted them through worse depression, and I always found ways to come back to a happy state. *shrug* For what it's worth, I like my doc. She really seems determinded to get and keep me well. She's actually probably more determined than me...

I need to work on the social aspect of this program, usually it's my mom and the internet I talk to in a given day...