the weeks kind of blur together but not long ago i was up late with my husband - the baby wouldn't sleep and had been up all day too - and i couldn't take it anymore. i closed myself into the bathroom and started pounding on myself. it sounds so silly and stupid when i put words to it, but it's like banging your head against a wall, only with my own fists and slapping myself. it doesn't hurt as much as it should. but i don't want to actually cut myself, and i bruise so easily on my legs and arms.

the next day, after hardly any sleep and after doing that to myself, i was extremely dizzy and couldn't see straight. i thought it was just from no sleep, but now i know i must have done something to myself. since then, it's kind of been like on worse days i'm still dizzy and shaky. i have no idea if i gave myself a concussion or what.

that time, i just wanted to die. i felt like if i was going to do this to myself then i might as well try to do a good job of it, i guess. so i don't think i held back much. but i just remember hitting myself.

i've had a migraine the last couple days but i don't think it's related. at least, i don't want to. there's not much i could do about it except take some tylenol. we don't have insurance so i could get any kind of scan or even an exam.

a lot of the time, especially lately, i've just wanted to not wake up. my husband could easily find someone else who'd love our kids, and would probably be a much better mother.

but unless i just don't wake up, i know i won't outright kill myself...

it just hurts so much when i'm awake.