Hello, I say I'm not new to BPD because the first mention of it for me was after I had testing done in the psych ward when I was only 16, they said I had "Borderline and dependent traits", which I assume they said traits because you cannot diagnose someone under 18 with a personality disorder. Anywho...Bipolar I and ADHD is what I'm usually diagnosed with, often my psychiatrists try to avoid the BPD, like it's not really my main issue. Perhaps it's not. But it really is a factor. And a recent incident cemented this fact for me.

It was Wednesday night, and my fiance and I got in a fight over something incredibly insignificant. I over reacted about him not taking my full advice on something because I'm a nutcase, and he over reacted about my over reaction because he had just had a few drinks with some friends (note: this isn't common, he doesn't drink excessively or anything). I really just wanted to kill myself over this insignificant fight, but I knew how foolish that was. I do my best not to cut myself these days, because it seems so dramatic. My best solution? Sleeping pills and vodka, but only at a recreational dose! That's something I've never done before, and I really terrified my fiance. And here's the really awful part: I enjoyed it. I had a grand old time in my stupor. I've always had a sick jealousy of those who are able to "drink away their troubles" and whatnot. I am not very good at ingesting alcohol simply because I do not like the taste. I hold my liquor very well and have never become ill from drinking like you hear so many people telling their horror stories. A couple of years ago, I was so depressed that I put the concept of heroin use up on a strange pedestal because in my mind, drug addicts can escape the world without technically dying.

Also of note, I've never done illegal drugs (aside from marijuana which I only first tried a year ago at age 26), I just idealized the notion of not being present. So, on Wednesday night, when I realized that all I had to do was take two sleeping pills and chase them with some whipped cream vodka and I'd be all floaty feeling, I was way too happy.

I realize that my knee-jerk reaction to any conflict to harm myself with pills and booze is a very BPD reaction to have. And I'm also frightened of my new revelation that I now know an effective method to get myself silly. Addiction runs deep and close to me in my family. I've never been addicted to any substances, but I've had my fair share of eating 3 pints of ice cream every night for weeks or months at a time, and I know that self harm is a very old crutch of mine.

Sorry for rambling, it's been on my mind, I had to get all that mess out.