My roommate told me he was going out to see his friend.

I joked about it a moment ago.

But it's not so funny right now.

I love my sense of humor...gets me out of a lot of s***.

Anyway, my mentor and i were talking just now and he said to me, "Carol, it's not about where he goes; it's not about he hangs out with that guy you can't stand; he just doesn't take you anywhere anymore. You told me you're afraid he doesn't want to be around you, except just for practical purposes. But, admit it, Carol, come on, you miss getting together with him."

And I do.

I love it that Ani, my mentor takes me to a meeting at the alano club every day and makes sure I am okay and not lonely and that I am spiritually fit, BUT...I do miss how Bruce my roommate used to drive me around and take me out to eat and to the movies and stuff. He, Bruce, tells me it's about money. I don't think so. He spends money on his friend, but does not spend it even on himself to buy a lousy hamburger with me.

I am grateful for what I have. I am.

But I lost something. Bruce never takes me anywhere for fun anymore and his excuse is "money" or "I have too much to do". But he either lies around or he goes places and hardly ever invites me along anymore.

I am not sure if I am outgrowing my emotional dependency on Bruce or if he just hates being around me and we never get together anymore.

I hope I am outgrowing him.

I hate bpd and how it keeps messing with me.

Also, I still don't get the support I need sometimes and still don't know how to ask for it. I still think I just stink and ppl just hate me or should hate me.

I have a new person I hang out with now. He says he "enjoys my company" and I keep questioning how he "enjoys it".

I want to eff that up, too. I want to avoid the "inevitable" pain of him eventually getting as "sick of me" as "everyone else does".

I am quoting these words cause I know that it's probably just my bpd acting up again.

Even if it's true and I really am undesirable, I just can't afford to feel so much that way now that it keeps governing my life.

If I really am messed up and undesirable, I pray I can deal with that and really begin to be able to be a decent person and then earn the love I would like to finally have before I die.

And I want to say, too, this board has really validated me by just talking about their own struggles.

Carol