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shortandcute · Jan 20, 2013, 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StormieKnight

Well, I'm 18 and have had suicidal thoughts since I was 16. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, but mainly with depressive episodes. I've been a victim of a lot of childhood trauma and abuse, so I'm not just an ungrateful teenager.
Since May 2012, I've been in the psych hospital 3 times. Twice for suicide attempts, one almost successful. The last time I was just extremely suicidal with a plan and told my therapist. I've tried two new medications since the last hospital stay which was in December and they aren't really helping me shake these suicidal thoughts....
I think about it every day, whether it's a fleeting thought or the kind that bring me to staying in bed all day long. There's this voice in my head that takes over and won't let coping skills help or other people comforting me help.... it blocks it all out. Just says: I'm meant to die.

I have a serious boyfriend who is supportive and trying to be as understanding as he can. We're about to move in together. I love him and he is scared I'm going to leave. As in kill myself. Everyone is worried. And I feel like it's because everyone can see that I'm going to do it. They're just waiting and watching. I feel like I'm meant to die young. It's like once you spend years of your life focusing on dying, it's so difficult to want to live.

Why does nothing help? I feel like no one has ever felt this suicidal.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. But I agree, it is good that there is someone you love in your life.
I'm not really sure what I can say that will help. But I have often felt the same way to the point where I felt like I was suffocating and there was no way out. I know that when I have felt suicidal, I also felt like no one has ever felt that way. And it's a terrible way to feel.
I can't even begin to describe how terrible I felt. And when you have been through trauma and abuse, it feels like that's all there is to life--at least it did for me.
I am 50 (old, I know ) and have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since I was 13. But, by the grace of God, I have survived it. And things have gotten better for me, even tho I didn't ever think they would. I don't know if this will help, but when I start feeling that way--I simply "put it off," then I keep putting it off. I know that's easier said than done, and that took me years to learn how to do that--because when you're feeling that way it seems like there's no way out. Just try to hold on, sweetie, and keep us posted--ok?