StormieKnight,

I have been in the same place and after numerous hospitalizations and suicide attempts, I am still here. I think about suicide often and sometimes focus on it....but there are other times, I am able to push away those thoughts. I have had times when I felt suicidal and told myself to WAIT before doing anything. Sometimes that waiting period starts out as just 5 minutes.........then I make it through those 5 minutes and try to do 10 minutes and keep lengthening the time. If I wait long enough sometimes the intense emotions become not so intense and I can manage and I can get distracted by other things or fall to sleep and wake up feeling better.....it's difficult to do, but it keeps me alive. I too have had a very traumatic past and sometimes just don't think I'll get past that....but some things have happened that if I weren't here, I wouldn't be able to be a part of---like I have a new niece, I have a cat I'm trying to tame and give a good home to, I have a friend I go to coffee with once a week. Even though sometimes I feel like I'm a burden and everyone will be better off without me...I can see the reality is people will miss me AND there lives would be changed forever and not for the better without me. Take care of yourself--you are wonderful because you are you!!!!!