I wish to attempt to explain how I'm feeling though it is complex and words may escape me. Maybe all I'm really doing is attempting to seek attention. I don't know. I wouldn't put it past me.

On Saturday, as written in another thread, I came to the stark realization that I cannot keep living the way I currently am. I am working constantly (though work is not of capacity this week and I will be off tomorrow) and have nothing to show for it and I feel I have no support, either financially or emotionally. The events that occured confirmed this feeling, and made me go through the entire gamut of strong, negative emotions in very, very quick order but due to my attempting to work at the time and the fact that no one cared and I would just be looked down at showing such, I suppressed most of it outwardly, reducing it to a few tears and shimmers and a few choice words muttered. I was burning with anger and crying inwardly with despair but there was no way of getting it out and I couldn't allow things to get where I couldn't work. It wasn't an option. Everything is ruled by my work; nothing can get in the way. My only purpose in life right now is to bring in what I can so we can scrape by, and as it is, I'm failing at that.

Now...I feel at though I've been severed from most of my emotions. I feel the anger in the pit of my stomach, the back of my head, but it doesn't feel connected to me. I'm not apathetic; I still feel your hardships, your problems, but I feel disconnected from them and I do not feel as though I have a voice to express anything. To some degree, I feel as though my identity has changed along with my lack of emotion. I cannot write or talk of emotion, how I feel, I cannot offer compassion though the understanding is still there. I also feel as though my style of writing has been altered. I've become more verbose than I usually am but the emotion, the feeling is not there. It is locked away. Writing is the way I express myself; I can't talk of emotion or how I'm feeling aside from occasional chit-chat. Now I don't feel like I can discuss emotion at all and that most of my emotions have taken a vacation from the -2 degree weather I am currently experiencing. This is not affecting me just here; it extends to real life. I cannot talk almost at all, I can show no affection. I am locked within myself. I am not disassociating, at least not the way I usually do. I am clear-headed and I do not feel numb. The emotions do not feel muted or covered in a blanket; they essentially feel gone. They are buried deep within where I know they are there but they feel separated from me completely. In the evenings, I almost always get anxious and lonely. I work all day and have to maintain a certain level of concentration, and then at night I relax and all the emotions and thinking come rushing back. For the past two nights, I have felt no anxiety and my loneliness, along with my anger, is buried deep within, poking out it's head to let me know it's still there but not a part of me.

My paranoia still exists. I am waiting for someone to tell me to get over myself or laugh at my circumstances. Emotions are the plague, right? It is what we want to get under control, keep there, but they are also a part of me and I feel incomplete or wanting of something that escapes me at the moment.

I don't know if I make any sense or if anyone can "get" this one, but it is how I feel. I'm certain it won't last; that something will happen that will reopen my emotions like floodgates, but it is how I feel right now.