Glad to hear things are a little better today. I definitely understand the feeling of wanting to give in, especially after long periods SI free. But hang in there - these urges and feelings can and will pass in time. Unfortunately I also know what it can be like with pdocs just focusing on meds. Getting yourself into counseling when you can though is a good idea - they can help you work through more of it instead of just throwing medications at you

I can't promise to have all the answers or be able to take the pain away but I'm also always here if you ever want someone just to listen or talk to.

Hang in there Lean on people here if you can't lean on your real life friends currently. You can get through this.