My kids' Grandma (their mother's mom) has gotten pneumonia and her cancer has returned in her lungs. Unfortunately she doesn't have much will to live and hasn't for years... but that's beside the point, they dont' know if she's going to make it this time.

So my ex is taking the kids to see her, of course. They need to see her if she does pass so of course I understand that. That's not what I'm freaking about. It's about my kids being gone.

Granted, I realize that this is pure abandonment issues.

First, I'm not one to like last minute changes. My ex asked me to help her with getting money to go up there. Previously she had said that she needed to go up there and if her mother was not going to make it the kids should probably go too. Never did she inform me this was the case. Just at the last minute asked for help. I did. But.. then this morning she texts me to have the kids' stuff ready for tomorrow morning. It was, to say the least, unexpected. Again, I have no problem with them going but last minute changes and I'm thrown all out of whack emotionally. So I text her back, "what?" and "how long you taking them" Of course I know this is a selfish question but I also am kind of spiralling -- my kids are my life. Even if it were planned, I'd be having a mini freak out that they were gonna be gone. So :/ What's worse is, she texts back, "Not sure, depends on how my mother is doing." Understandable, logically but my mind, my bpd mind freaks out a bit. Indefinites are not good for me.

It ended well, sorta. i called her up because in text you can't get the full understanding in a conversation sometimes. She was actually apologetic about the last minute thing and said she "knows how I am about that." Apologizes for nto letting me know about the boys and stuff too. That's all good. Assures me that they will be back before my boy's 11th birthday so that's good too. She coulda told me that instead.

Anyway so the next week or so... might be a bit "off" without my boys everyday.

Yeah and about the grandmother and why I am not freaking about that? I don't know. I feel like a wretch that I'm not sure what to feel, think or do. I do know her and was semi close to her but she hasnt' talked to me in almost a year and even when we did talk it wasn't really always good. never thought she liked me all that much but then I don't think anyone does.

*now I'm rambling*

What's really weird is the push pull I do or even weirder the strange dichotomy I have of being detatched + overly attached to people. On the one hand I am empathetic, caring and very loyal to my friends and loved ones but at the same time I'm detached. I don't know how that can be possible, it's like a paradox. I don't know. I guess I'm just farking loony. Whatever.

Sorry for the rant but if you read this, thank you for taking the time