I hesitate to ask teh question, "is it really bad that I dont' feel anything?" related to my mother-in-law's (ex soon) possible passing? I mean I feel so out of it and not connected to the idea.

I feel unreal, like it's not really happening or something. I haven't seen her in years now. We haven't spoken or been around each other in any way for a long time.

Part of me thinks that 1. I've never had a single death happen close to me in my entire life and I'm 45 years old now. Of course that could be part of it because heck I don't know first hand what it's like to lose someone. I don't know how much that plays into it but it's something I guess. 2. I have not seen her sick. I am not there. I have a way of not being able to relate to people if they are not in my face often. Events too. If it's not experienced first hand it is rather difficult for me to really relate to it of feel like it's a real thing. Idk if that's the aspie in me or bpd. It doesn't matter, it is how I am.

Were we close? Crap I don't even know! Heck I'm so confused about attachment/relationships, love etc I don't know anymore. I can't tell if I just get obsessed with those people I get attached to or if I really care about them? God I wish this weren't so confusing.

So am I terrible? Part of me thinks so. The other part is thinking "you're just this way, it doesn't matter, you can't make yourself anything but what/who you are." But what I am, who I am sucks sometimes you know?