(((avlady)),

Oh hun, I am so sorry you experienced that as a child, you are right, children don't understand this, even the ones that bully don't always know "why" they did it. However we can see how "primitive and driven it is even in "baby birds". It is not unusual to see certain babies become "aggressive" and push others out of the nest in order to get the best opportunity to "survive".

Children don't have the "adult" sense of "conscience" and many of their interactions can simply be "exploring" their abilites to see how much "control" they can have over not only themselves, but their environment and others. And even in a "family" we are looking at a "group" and in any group, there is often a goal to establish an "order" of authority. And the oldest child will often establish to the other children that they are the oldest and therefore have more authority. It is never a good idea to leave children alone with an older one "in charge", the truth is, they are simply not mature enough and that can result in having a child experience something like you are discribing. This was displayed in a book called "Lord of the Flies" that many of us read in school. This group of children left alone on an island ended up expressing "raw and primitive" instincts that excluded the experience of the developement of a mature mind capable of understanding "conscience" and "controling these primitive urges".

When working through the personal history that may include events that we now call "abuse" that might have been forced upon a child by another child inside or outside the family unit, it is always a challenge to recall these memories as an adult mind that is "more developed with the sense of right and wrong". Yes, we can clearly remember the feelings of "fear and lack of ability to defend ourselves at that early age", there can even be times where we allowed things to take place that as adults we know are "wrong". There will also be times that we can clearly see the unfairness of how we were treated as well, and it can be very hard for the adult mind to find a way to learn how to finally place these events in perspective and finally come to terms with "accepting" these experiences and "moving on with their lives". It is also difficult to recognize how these events affected the ways we adapted to life, often some of these "ways" we adapted included a sense of "low worth" and even "fearfulness" we never realized we adpated before.

We are born as "human beings" with certain needs from our parents that send us messages that give us permission to feel loved, appreciated, important,safe, and that we have our parents whole hearted blessing to "live and thrive". In many ways, all human beings are at the mercy of their parents ability to "know how to raise and understand the "real needs" of a human child to ensure that child will have the capacity to adapt and thrive.

There can be many different reasons for a parent's "lack of knowledge" or "ineffectiveness" in understanding the real needs or significance of what they must provide their children with to ensure the best possible "healthy" outcome. Parents are motivated by "cultural messages", their own education, sense of well being, and what they were taught growing up as well. The bottom line is "we are what we know".

When a child grows up, they learn to "accept" their family environment. Each child developes their own sense of "positon" in that family unit and they "adapt" to their lives according to the ongoing messages they receive within that family unit. All children "imprint" messages from their parents and even older "siblings". So, if a parent sends "unhealthy" messages, a child will "imprint these messages", and that is simply the way we are "designed" as "primates/animals/human beings within nature".

We "all" take whatever messages we have received and adapt them to how we live our lives, as well as how to best interact with our world and others around us. Unfortunately, not all these messages may be "healthy" messages. But because we are "just children" we grow to "believe them" and adapt to them.

For example, if we are raised by a parent that "survives and thrives by taking advantage of "help or aide from others" we learn to feel it is "ok" to do the same. What is also true is that if we are raised to believe that the most important thing is "possessions" then we begin to believe that our "possessions" are what bring us "safety and personal value". If a parent raises a child with their personal "expectations" of what that child "has to be", a child begins to "believe" that in order to have "value" they need to meet that "expectation". If a parent sends a child the messages that the "child is not important or has no real value", the child believes it.

The "healing" for someone who may have "unhealthy" messages that they "adapted to" comes from first "recognizing these unhealthy messages" and then to "slowly learn how to overcome them". Part of the process of learning how to overcome these "unhealthy" messages, it to understand that the parent/abuser was also most likely "a victim as well".

It is important to understand that the "process of healing" is not about "having to suffer with guilt or anger or fear", but more about finally learning why this happened, and how to finally be able to be "validated" with another person saying, Yes, that was wrong, unfair to you and all you did was your best to try to self protect and adapt in whatever way you could. If a human being receives "validation, comfort, and permission to finally "heal" and thrive inspite of however that person was hurt, humans are resiliant enough to gain the ability to "thrive" better.

The human brain is truely "amazing" and has shown us in so many ways how much it can provide us with the "wisdom" and "ability" to adapt to the challenges "human beings" address that may threaten their "survival".
There are thousands of books written by many different human beings that express many different ways these human beings learned about "surviving" and thriving and "reasoning with life".

When someone is "bullied" their ego is attacked and if they do not know how to "respond" to a bully they begin to withdraw and even experience a period of "believing they are somehow unworthy". If this happens to a child and they do not have anyone to "help them or stand up for them" they get "tramatized" and begin to think they are somehow "inadequate" and will not be "accepted by their piers". Often they are "afraid to tell a parent for fear the parent may make the situation worse for them somehow" and they are often left with becoming a "victim" as often "bullies" continue to pick on others they "know will not fight back" which gives them a "sense of power" that presents them with a kind of "high". If a child is never taught how to "respond" to this kind of treatment, they can carry this personal "trama" into their adulthood, not ever really understanding how to "address the bully effectively" or "why people bully" or how to "not be the victim of a bully". And that we do not have to allow ourselves to continue to feel that we are "less than" or "unworthy" if we are bullied.

Open Eyes