Hi mossolb

The others have given some wise advice and I hope you will follow some of it, if not all of it. To me, depression is an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I didnt need a doctor to tell me I was depressed, I already knew that. You know if you're not happy and you can see others who are having fun, feeling comfortable being themselves, and you're not. Its a great idea to have it checked because then the pathways for help begin to open.

When I was a teen and began feeling morose I turned to my sister for help. Some guys were messing around and taught me how to tie a noose. It was just a little one about keychain size. I was fascinated in its simplicity and power. It reminded me of the old west movies, the gallows, the permanence of it all. In dramatic fashion I showed the noose to my sister and told her it was how I was going to go, not really serious, but wanting her to step in, care for me, show me some love. She laughed in my face.

My depression deepened and a few years later I made a serious attempt and failed. I just figured I had done it wrong and improved my plan. But it also opened up the idea to me that I wasnt supposed to go that way, that there was a reason for me being alive and even if I didnt know what that reason was, eventually it would be revealed to me.

As Ive gotten older I gave up the idea of killing myself. I didnt want to get to wherever the next existence was and be punished for wasting this one. The struggles didnt go away, in fact, I made them worse without meaning to. It took a long time to figure out that things wouldnt, couldnt, get better as long as I was adding to my own pain and I had to stop harming myself and begin healing myself, first with just concentrating on what good health actually is. Its all those things I learned back in physical education class. Eating right, sleeping right, excersizing, and not putting things into my body that are known to be damaging. This goes for my mind as well. I had to stop thinking in certain ways, listening to certain kinds of music, and start watching my thought processes and removing unhealthy ways of perceiving.

Its a long long road that I made even longer but you know something? We all have our own road and this one has been mine. No matter what people told me I had to find out for myself. I wouldnt have believed it any other way.

Keep posting. The people here are good and care. I hope the best for you.