Hi and welcome. I hear you. You're in a place of terrible suffering. Been there big time, am just coming out of the bottom of another round of the stuff (thank heavens for medication adjustments that work).

Listen, my friend. You really, really NEED to get into treatment right away. If you don't have health insurance, you can go through your public/county resources to get some help. Please do not delay. This is serious stuff.

If you don't know where to go, you can start with the emergency room. Please. You deserve to live free of the hell in your head, and it can indeed happen.